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Journal Entry #2

In this activity you will explore various aspects of surface and deep culture thay you have experienced in school.
1. Contrast the surface cukture of the last school you attended with that of your present school.

There are probably a lot of differences from my previous school, Carlmont High School, and my current school, Central New Mexico Community College. However as this is my first semster at CNMCC there was not a loy of surface cultures that I havent particapated in yet.
At Carlmont the max class size was 32 students for a core class; mainly because we could not fot any more desks in. Classes ran for 6 periods straight, 0-7 period, with only one lunch period. You would go to every class every weekday. At CNM yhere is as little as 20 students (in my morning math class) but most of my evening classes seem to hit low 30s. Classes run all day but most classes only meet twice a week. This makes things easier for returning students such as myself. I would never be able to get my employeer to give me nights off M-F but I can demand M & W off because I have all my classes then.  They dont always listen but they try to work with me because I'm a good employee. When I worked in HS state law prevented them from workong me during school hours and I could only work so late.
A big difference I have also noticed is what is don in class. In HS the teachers kind of talked at you and you did a lot of indivual work. So far in college there seems to be a ton of grouo work. I honestly didnt know you could do Math in groups but thats what my teacher has had us doing. I'm eagerly waiting to see what my online English course will be like, if itll be more grouo work or induvial work. Im hoping for indivual work because group work online sounds a little crazy, unless its discussion but I dont see that as group work.

2. Describe the deep culture o the last school you attended.

My high school was fairly progressive. We were 30 minutes south of San Fransico. Which meant on half days we'd lie to our parents about it and take the frain to the city once we got out and have some fun before heading back an getting home at the normal time.
However about a third of our students were shipped in from EPA, East Palo Alto. The majority of the kids came from the surronding towns. At lunvh and before school the kids from town would hang out in the Quad which wad located close to the football fiwld, gym and student parking lot. Most of the kids from EPA would hang out at the cafetria wgich was located by where the buses dropped them off, T wing and thr old empty swimming pool. Classes were mixed and most of the kids from EPA tht I talked to were nice and they had no problem talking to teenager me. They often had the best and most pratical boy advice if I remeber correctly.  But I coyld talk to them no problem inside of class once you exited you wpuldnt even smile at them in the hallways. Only two kids stick out to not following that rule, a boy eho joined the bowling club, nice guy, spent most meetings talking to my mom who wad the adult supervisor; the other was a boy by the nme of Lauren who would always say something nice to me and had this rediculous orange outfit. Pants, shirt, windbreaker and hat all in this weird almost neon orange. Anyways back on point. These kids who I cant even remeber their names now were always nice to me and never made fun of me or my friends. Unlike the football players who all came from the nearby towns. Okay it was only lile 5-6 players but still. Town kids would avpid the ones from EPA because they "were in gangs" and from "the ghetto". In four years I saw kid I didnt grow up with from EPA get into one fight. The "jocks" or select few football players were constantly getting into fights. A close friend of mine was getting picked on at our Winter Formal by onr of the players. Harassed him until I showed up and then he scattered. For the longest time I thought it was odd because the kid sat next to me in  History and I couldnt understand why he hightailed it once I showed up. It wasnt until latrr I found out they all avoided me was because the team thought Id be the type if student to crack and bring a gun to school. Remeber this was 10 years ago plus so we had a fair amount of assemblies on not picking to  people and what to do if someone does bring a gun to school. I mean, I know I was a little odd but it goes to show the mentality of some of the students at that school.
I remeber a girl I went to school with we called Ellie. She was so badass and cool and I remeber being so embrassed to be seen with her because she was so different. I marched to my own drum but she'd have the purple hair, not just hair but a mowhawk with easy a foot long spikes and I remeber goin to her house a handful of times. I remeber people would make fun of her mom, calling her a lesbian. She was a single mom, that dated a fair amount of guys. We had similair tastes back then but itd be one thing to hang aftet school ot ealk in an empty hallway together but heaven forbid if there was other people around, other friends who would ask why I was taloing with suck a freak. I should of stood up, I should of been the kind of friend that mattered, I remeber pretending to be disgusted by a girl that came out who was a year older than I eventhough I didnt care. That my family always supported peoples lifestyles. Thats not a very PC word is it. Thats what we used back in the day. But peer pressure was a big thing back then. Now, I acn honestly say I dknt have many peers in my day to day life. I used to have a fair amount online bit thats scaled back to having a kid but those I do see as peers dont have the same kind of sway like they did back then. Almost everuone I went to HS with I dont even talk with because how different our lives are. Its funnt how that works.


Journal Entry #1

In this activity, you will take an inventory of your personal strengths & weakness as revealed by your self-assessment questionnaire.

1. In your journal, write the 8 areas of the self-assessment & record your scores for each, as the following:
64 Accepting Personal Responsibility
57 Discovering Self-Motivation
41 Mastering Self- Management
42 Employing Interdependence
38 Gaining Self-Awareness
47 Adopting Life Long Learning
32 Developing Emotional Intelligence
61 Believing in Myself

2. Write About the areas on the self-assessment in which you scored highest.

My highest scores were in Accepting Personal Responsibility and Believing in Myself. They kind of go hand in hand in my opinion because if you accept that you are in charge of yourself and if you believe in yourself you can accomplish so much more.
For example, it's no one's fault by my own that I dropped out of college the first time around. Emotional I was in a very bad place and I blamed everyone else for any problems that arose. My father had just passed and I was very angry, I felt since he was no longer around why should I do something that no one else seemingly cared about. I felt I couldn't do it so I just stopped trying. My dad had always said it didn't matter what I went to school for I could get a Degree in Underwater Basket Weaving and that'd be fine but I had to get something.
I was a pretty easy going teenager and after he passed was when I kind of ... rebelled. I did a good amount of stupid shit that is no one else's fault by my own. Through all my decisions I made a few that were pretty good, I did waste a lot of the inheritance I received after his accident but I did purchase a car (a Scion TC 2006 I refer to as Bruce) as well as put the majority of it down on a house (located in ABQ; 3 bedroom, 2 bath. Should be paid off in the next 18 years). I did just kind of fuck around with about a fourth of it on stupid shit like a guitar for my boyfriend (he never learned how to play), a desktop computer that ended up getting "stolen" while at a coworkers house. Eating out a lot, and I mean expansive places, not just drive thru's. I moved from Cali to Oregon and then to New Mexico; I left a really really good job to move in with my long distance boyfriend who had already cheated on me twice that I knew of at the time. I became pregnant in Oregon and moved to New Mexico because it was were my mother was living. I was in Oregon for less than 6 months; I moved out of Cali under a year after my dad passed.
Now that it's been 10 years since he passed I feel differently. When I moved to New Mexico it was really hard to reconnect with my mother (my parent's separated about 9 months before my dad passed). It took a few years to get to the point where we are now, we both had to change and our common ground. It turns out my family in Cali did care if I went to school or not. They were afraid if they pushed to much that I'd just cut them out of my life. I don't need to have other's tell me to go to school because I want to. I don't want to be stuck in the job that I have. I don't want to work retail, I honestly dislike most people and I'm smart enough I can get a job that I enjoy for a change.

I kind of went off topic with that, sorry I get a little sidetracked sometimes.

As for Believing in Myself that's more of a recent development. I had some really bad self esteem for a while and it's still something I'm working on to be honest. I was with Alex (my son's father) for quite awhile. I moved to live with him in 2006, and we didn't separate until 2012 a while after he was discharged from active service. We only lived together for about half that time, mainly because I refused to relocate to North Carolina where he was stationed because I knew no one out there and I owned a house in New Mexico. It's very hard to talk about in a not rambling rant. He would call me after a bad day on base to yell at me, he would constantly blame me for any set backs my...our son had school, he would take time off for the holidays to go visit his family, not his wife and son. He cheated on me over ten times while we were together and I don't know if that has ever been an issue that happened to you but it felt like it was constantly my fault. If I was just prettier he wouldn't do that, if I had dinner ready early than maybe he would stick around, I shouldn't try to get him to do any of my interests I should only focus on his. I should of been there for him but not smother him. If I was a better wife, a better girlfriend then he would of had no reason to go to another women.
I honestly could of been like that for a much longer time but... The story goes like this, Zachary (my son) needed to get some shots before school started. I call to make an appointment only to find out that our insurance had been canceled. It turned out that Alex was in the middle of renting out an apartment and wasn't going to tell me until he had already left. This was shortly after he returned from his tour and we were living together. I would of taken anything Alex did to me, I stayed throughout the cheating, and the spending money we didn't have, I stayed even after he punched the wall next to my head because he was so mad at me because I deserved everything that happened to me. But my son had done nothing. He wasn't even in Elementary School yet, this was for Zach to go into Kindergarden; I would be fine without insurance, but my son needed it. Alex had canceled the insurance a good few months earlier because he was the primary and never thought to tell me. My son deserved better and there was nothing that would convince me otherwise.
My self esteem is still not the best, between the anxiety and depression it's hard to believe in yourself. I do a lot of "I AM" statements. "I am a smart and intelligent person and I can do this." Is a daily thing I repeat from the walk from my car to whatever class I'm going to.

3. Write about the areas on the self-assessment in which you scored lowest.

My lowest scores were Developing Emotional Intelligence and Gaining Self-Awareness. I can say I'm not surprised at the Emotional Intelligence once because I know I'm a very emotional person. I try not to have it overly affect my life but I feel like I have a lot of emotions that like to bubble up on occasion. It probably has to do with trying to bottle everything up, until it just explodes out. I've tried working on this in the past but old habits are hard to break but I've discovered a lot of comping mechanisms that help when there are just too many feelings around. I'm quite proud of the fact it's been over three years since I tried to commit suicide. That's a record for me since I turned 16. I've tried medication in the past for making my emotions easier to handle with my depression and anxiety but honestly I'd rather have too many feelings then not care about anything, including my son, while I'm on them. (Hence the coping mechanisms) And I'm sure this book will have new ideas I can try out along with my current ways but I don't have too high of a hope since I've been to three councilors to get to where I'm at now. And I can't even place a number on the amount of self help books I've read.
My other lowest score was Gaining Self-Awareness, which was a tad surprising. After re reading the statements that go with it, it's probably low because I'm unsure how to identity habits that derail my success and since I'm unsure what they are than how am I suppose to know how to change them? I can get distracted somewhat easily, and I can have my emotions get the better of me, and I can be horrible at procrastinating just about anything. Which is bad because I dislike putting anything into writing without researching it first. That probably sounded odd but I like to write fiction in my down time. Medieval fantasy and sometimes futuristic science fiction but I'll get distracted with what type of weapons did they have then or typical clothing for the different caste systems and then the next thing I know I'm researching the Black Plague for reasons beyond that it's cool and who wouldn't want to know more about it. Most the time what I end up researching, while interesting, doesn't make it pass my final edit so not only am I wasting time for researching it but I don't even end up using it.

I'm pretty sure I did all five of the suggestions besides staying on task but I've anything it should be an interesting read. My mom worries about other people reading personal thoughts and how she couldn't do it because what if they told other people and what if you became famous and then this teacher knew all this personal information about you!
I pointed out that I already have a blog where I rant about my personal information and if I ever become famous then maybe it can help others know I went through the same time they did. It's nothing to be ashamed of.


Quick Update

Ok, so it goes like this.

I have horrid horrid handwriting, like omg wtf is that? No honestly, I'll post a pic of it sooner or later. But for one of my classes I'm suppose to keep a journal, which I can do, totally can do that. But uh there's that handwriting problem.
So... I'm going to be posting my journal entries on here under the tag CSE 1101 I'm pretty sure you can blacklist that if you don't want to be seeing it. And I'm doing it on here instead of Tumblr because I really don't need my Tumblr account linked to my school work.
Sound good? Good.

Also if you haven't heard, I'm back in school! Woot Woot! No seriously go party for me because going back after 10 years is fucking hard and I have no time between my classes, work, Zach (who is turning 8 this year) and attempting to write anything.
GISHWHES was a hit, I had a blast doing that and next year I'm going to just take the whole week off (fuck being paid) and harass everyone I know, I'm looking at you munchkins.
Oh yeah... and I dropped out of the DeanCas Big Bang. Meh, can't say I'm surprised. I'll post what I have the story on Ao3 in the next month or so.

Important plan of going to WonderCon in SoCal in 2016, Zach and I enjoyed the last one we crashed so we are making it a tradition since SDCC is never ever going to happen and I need to at least see people that get the whole fandom thing. *cough* fucking new mexico *cough*

Apr. 24th, 2015

Thinking about doing the destiel big bang, but I gotta deciede by May 1st at the latest sooo... I dunno 20k is a lotta words.

It's Not What It Looks Like Part 2

Derek chuckled softly as he got out of the car, he walked into the diner laughing with Stiles.
"And there I was in front of the teacher presenting the fucking thing and it was going great I was on task and topic, no little tangents or anything. Fucking prefect right?" Stiles slid into a booth across from Derek. "Nope. The TA scheduled during the wrong block so what was suppose to be my teacher and my peers turned out to be some fucking high school seniors at a criminal justice intro seminar. One of those 2 hour things so the kids see if they like it. Professor Phillips was totally cool about it and let it count as my midterm even if he didn't have his scoring sheets with him, and I guess I made an impact on the kids because the next thing I kn-"
"Hey D-Derek." a going girl cut Stiles off.
Derek looks over the girl trying to place her when he realize it's the girl from the gas station. H furrows his eyebrows, "Hi."
"Shelby" the girl informs them.
"Right, Shelby." Derek turns back to Stiles who is glaring at the girl. probably for interrupting his story.
"I just saw you here and that I'd say hi."


It's Not What It Looks Like Part 2

Derek chuckled softly as he got out of the car, he walked into the diner laughing with Stiles.
"And there I was in front of the teacher presenting the fucking thing and it was going great I was on task and topic, no little tangents or anything. Fucking prefect right?" Stiles slid into a booth across from Derek. "Nope. The TA scheduled during the wrong block so what was suppose to be my teacher and my peers turned out to be some fucking high school seniors at a criminal justice intro seminar. One of those 2 hour things so the kids see if they like it. Professor Phillips was totally cool about it and let it count as my midterm even if he didn't have his scoring sheets with him, and I guess I made an impact on the kids because the next thing I kn-"
"Hey D-Derek." a going girl cut Stiles off.
Derek looks over the girl trying to place her when he realize it's the girl from the gas station. H furrows his eyebrows, "Hi."
"Shelby" the girl informs them.
"Right, Shelby." Derek turns back to Stiles who is glaring at the girl. probably for interrupting his story.
"I just saw you here and that I'd say hi."

This is a MAJOR WIP and if it goes well then most updates will come from my LJ app and then edited when I have to time later. I apologize for anyone that reads this before I fix it.

To be honest, Derek should of seen this coming.
It started off innocently enough, Derek was just doing what he had learned. When he was younger and he had a problem his dad took him out to drown his sorrows in ice cream, and to talk it out without everyone else listening in. Whenever he aced a test he took him out to dinner of his choice, just the two of them. And whenever he wanted to talk about “personal” things, long drives down Highway 1 to just talk and let loose. It was always his father that did these important things, not that his mom didn't have time or didn't care, as the eldest wolf in the area he feel the need to help and celebrate these things.  After his father died Laura took over, and she might not of had the knack for being caring and supportive, but she still took him out and tried which to him was all that mattered.

Derek pulled into the visitor parking and grabbed the lukewarm greasy bag in one hand while balancing a drink carry in the other.
Five minutes later he successfully tracked down Stiles in the library and walked up behind him. “Stiles” He said gruffly.
Stiles jumped in the air with a squawk. “Dude seriously, you can't scare me with Mid-Terms next week!”
Derek frowned but carried on his mission, “You need to take a break.”
“Did you miss the part about Mid-Terms being next week or do you just want me to fail so I'll have to come back to Beacon Hills?” Stiles glared but focused back on the spread of books in front of him.
“I-I brought food.” Derek tried to bribe him. He looked around before lowering his voice, “The pack is worried about you. No one has seen you in over a month and you didn't even call your dad yesterday.”
“So I missed one Tuesday check in, that's not that big of a deal.” Stiles shrugs his shoulder, “I officially have two majors now so my course load is a lot heavier than everyone else. So vamos, I really don't want to get a coffee IV because you had to waste my time.”
Derek flipped over a “This Table is in Use” card and grabbed Stiles' shoulder dragging him towards the exit.
“Dude if this isn't life or death I don't have the time to deal with it, so unless you have a pack of furies chilling in the BH, let. me. go.” Stiles bit out.
Derek sighed, “Ten minutes to eat outside and then I'll leave you alone.”
Stiles groaned in frustration, “I'm only going along with this because I don't have the time to argue with you.”
Derek stifled down a chuckle as Stiles winced stepping outside, the sun was shinning bright while the ground still glistened from an afternoon shower. Derek brought them over to dried patch of grass under a large tree and  placed the bag and drinks on the ground. Stiles grumbled about getting dirty but sat down and peaked into the bag.
“Don't take this as me being thankful but god I've missed these curly fries.” Stiles mumbled around a mouthful of said fries.
Derek grimaced at the half chewed food but nudged over the drink.
Stiles glanced down at the drink and picked it up to take a small sip. “Oh sweet Jesus” Stiles moaned, he quickly dug out the burger and took a huge bite. “Fuck me, I love you. This is fucking perfect man.” Stiles took a huge gulp of shake before continuing, “How did you even know? Stalking me again?” Stiles fake fluttered his eyelashes up at Derek.
Derek almost choked on a bite of burger at Stiles' chatter, he took a quick sip of soda before coughing and replying, “I didn't stalk you.”
Stiles grinned, “Sure thing big guy.”
Derek shook his head fondly, “It's under your contact notes after last time I screwed up your order.”
Stiles took a huge bit of burger and stuffed a few fries in along as well while he shrugged at Derek.
It wasn't until Derek was paying the gas attendant that his cell flashed with a new message.
“Not that I needed the break or anything but thanks for the grub Sourwolf.”
Derek smiled at the text as the girl gave him his change and wished him a great day.

It was two days later when Derek received a frantic voice-mail from Stiles,
“Derek? I know I was a major dickbag the other day but I need a book called, Ereshkigal & Nergal: Love, Death & Betrayal.  The Professor for my Early Religions Class just told us about an essay question on the Mid-Term that will be focusing on Mesopotamia. Everything's already been swiped from the library and I'm strapped for cash to buy a new book or make the trip back to BH for my book. So I know this is like way above whatever favor I could cash in but I need to ace this final and no one else has time to bring it to me. Please, Derek I'll owe you big time. If, if you can give me a call and I'll tell you where it's at.”
Derek frowned but texted Stiles' back. “Where's the book?”
“My bedroom, desk above the comp around the middle.”
Derek drove over to the Stilinski household and paused, he could wait for the Sheriff to come home. Which if judging by his phone wouldn't be for another two hours, but if he used Stiles' window... Derek quickly looked around and jumped up to the window and eased the window up. He silently slipped into the room, he studied the shelf above the computer and plucked out a fairly thin book; sticking it in his back pocket he climbed out the window and closed it behind him. As he walked to the camero he texted Stiles.
“You can never complain about that broken window latch again.”
Derek tossed the book on the passenger seat and began his way to 92 Eastbound. He considered stopping to get Stiles some food again and placed a call to the diner for a pickup order. It would take 15 minutes to be done so it was just enough time to fill up the tank before heading to Stanford. As Derek headed into town his cell went off with Stiles' ring-tone.
“Oh my god creeper wolf, I would of called my dad to let you in if I knew you were getting it right now!”
“You're not suppose to bother your father if it's not an emergency, Stiles.”
“I'm pretty sure 30% of my grade counts as an emergency.”
Derek huffed in annoyance, “Well it was faster this way. I'll be heading out in ten minutes.”
“You have the book what else do you need?” Stiles questioned.
“I'd like not to run out of gas for one.” Derek deadpanned, “And I figured you could take a break when I get there and eat something.”
“Are you getting me curly fries? You are, aren't you? I will have your babies if you bring me curly fries Derek.”
Derek chuckled into the phone as he pulled into the gas station, “Yes, I'm getting you curly fries. I'll call you when I get there.”
“Sure thing baby daddy, can't wait!”
Derek shook his head as he feed the machine two twenties into the machine. After the camero was filled with premium he headed to get his change from the attendant.
He smiled at the girl behind the little counter, “Change from pump five.”
The girl smiled widely at him, “That's a beautiful car you have, you must take really great care of it.”
Derek nodded, “I try to take care of her.”
The girl handed back his change, “Well it really shows, you don't see many cars like that this close to the coast with someone like you driving it. I mean, the only other car like that I've seen is has some old guy driving it.”
Derek chuckled and put his bills in his wallet, “Glad I can break the stereotype for you than.”
The girl blushed lightly, “H-Have a great day!”
“You too.” Derek called out behind him as he headed back to his car.

“For the last time Cora, you need to tell me when you change flights, your lucky I cleared my whole day since I knew you'd pull something like this.” Derek grumbled into his cell as he waited in line. “Sure thing. Yea yea... no I gotta go, I'll be there in the next twenty minutes... Mhmmm.... Love you too.” Derek shook his head and smiled slightly, “Change for pump six.”
The girl frowned and opened the register, “Picking your girlfriend up?”
Derek stuffed the bills into his wallet, “Wha? Oh no, that's my sister.”
The girl perked up, “Oh, no girlfriend?”
Derek winced thinking of Jennifer, “Nope.” He headed to the door and the casheir yelled after him to have a nice day and he waved absentmindedly.


So I want to wrote and I feel like writing but I just can't think of anything to write. I mean. I have a billion prompts and ideas but honestly... I love klaine I do but glee just makes me so angry. WoW is to hard with not playing the game ansld I dunno where I was going with diros story line. and  I don't know stereo or destiel or their shows to really write them and I'm just kinda... argh.